T minus 1 month,
Neil is marrying the love
of his life, Nicole.

His once athletic
physique has gotten softer
(fine, he’s a fat-ass).

Nicole insists that
he loses a few pounds for
looming nuptials.

After a few failed
attempts at reasonable
diets, he goes H.A.M.

First up, the Werewolf
Diet (it’s celebrity
endorsed- Madonna!).

He must fast for a
full 24 hours throughout
this evening’s full moon.

The first 15 hours
go smooth. No cravings! Easy!
Then blood sugar drops.

Neil has the shakes. He’s
hangry and light headed. Can
he last 9 more hours?

He can’t even last
15 more minutes. He hits
the nearest McD’s.

Strike one. Neil decides
he must ensure cravings don’t
sabotage again.

This is why he picks
the Sleeping Beauty Diet.
Key component: sleep.

You can’t eat if you’re
asleep. Best way to ensure
success: sedatives.

Overzealous, Neil
takes a tad too much and sleeps
for 48 hours.

He is fired from his
sales job because he slept through
important meeting.

It’s harder to fast
with extra time on your hands.
Which diet is next?

Cotton Ball Diet.
Consume cotton balls soaked in
orange juice. Yummy.

It works for a few
hours but the cravings for real
food hit with full force.

Neil is curled up in
the fetal position on
the cold, kitchen floor.

Then, stomach rumbles.
He needs to use the bathroom-

Cotton balls do not
digest. Additionally,
they do not flush. Oops.

Unemployed, Neil lacks
the funds for a plumber so
attempts DIY.

And fails. Toilet is
ruined. He goes for a full
replacement crapper.

At Home Depot, he
bums a cigarette to curb
the hunger monster.

Man smoking 20
feet away from the entrance,
supplies 3 Camels.

Ciggs tide him over
while replacing the John but
now he’s breaking down.

As he takes the old
toilet curbside, he sees a
sight for sore eyes. Food!

Discarded turkey
lunch meat in the neighbor’s trash
can. No one’s looking.

Delirium strong,
he devours. And becomes
violently ill.

No time to test out
new toilet, he adds new waste
to the compost pile.

And rejoices in
the fact that the setback will
shed at least five pounds.